8th August 2004: Desperate men who date sports equipment
Jeremy Flynn, shown above, seems at first to be a regular guy who enjoys the odd game of badminton at his local leisure centre. But this is an odd game of badminton indeed, for Jeremy is one of a new breed of men who has rejected the charms of the fairer sex in favour of a relationship with a rather more unusual partner - his badminton racquet. All over the country, men have been seen taking pieces of sports equipment into restaurants and plying them with drinks. They have been spotted dancing with them in nightclubs and sharing bags of popcorn at the latest chick-flick.
Jeremy claims that his relationship with "turbolite 3" is the best he's had in years. "It's so much simpler than dating a person" he claims. "We like all the same things, and going out is so much cheaper. If I want to get her in somewhere for free I just pop her in my bag." Jeremy is not the first of his friends to try "Speq dating" (sports equipment dating). His friend Darren went out with a tennis ball for over a year. "The tennis ball was lovely" says Flynn of his friend's ex. "She was a real catch."
Not all Speq dates are as successful as Jeremy and Darren's. A significant amount of sports equipment has been known to object to the dating process, claiming that they feel "used, as if we were no more than objects". One unsuccessful dater was spotted chasing after a bowling ball who was trying to run away:
Is Speq-dating just the latest
in a long succession of gimmicks designed to fulfil the sexually desperate? One
only has to look at the recent popularity of 'speed dating' (going on a date
with a Class A drug), 'phone dating' (dating telephones of all kinds, from
mobiles to the new BT phone boxes with internet and fax capabilities) and 'used
tissue dating' to see that finding a real person to go out
with is becoming more and more difficult. It certainly isn't often that you see a happy smiling couple like this one:
Hua Li, left, and his wife have been married for fifty years. Hua, who is eighty-five, was asked what he thought was the secret of their marital success. "Ah" he said, "Yes. My wife and I are very happy. I like to wear brown cloth bags, sometimes parcel bags and sometimes laundry bags. My wife buys them for me. We are so happy."
The youth of today has a lot to learn.