Happy Neil and the children

"I AM PORGBLAA, THE GOBLIN PRINCE OF NIGHT! YOUR CHILDREN HAVE BREATHED THEIR LAST!" That's what I say to the people of earth in "Goblin Takeover 12" just before I melt their children with my liquid magma-filled goblin gun. The objective of "Goblin Takeover 12" is to kill all children and sterilise all males. Then female humans are forced to breed with the goblins to create a superior race of goblin children, who display all the evil and manipulative tendencies of goblins whilst retaining some useful human traits such as the ability to drive cars and make soup.

I hate children. When I was 19 I had to spend my entire summer holiday babysitting for my neighbours' idiot children and their farting dog. I hated those children. They were always crying and whining and saying things like "can we watch tv" and "how long will supper be" and "please stop kicking me". One day I tried to poison them with oven cleaner mixed into their ice cream, but the dog ate it by accident and died.

One thing that makes me really angry is that children and their child-loving moron parents are allowed to travel in the same carriage as normal people on trains. Whenever I travel anywhere I always end up in front of a screaming child who kicks my seat and thinks it is funny to repeatedly explode a whoopee cushion or have burping competitions.

Once I was sitting next to a boy who wouldn't stop counting to ten, and it was impossible to concentrate on killing Mr Dinley, the evil Home Economics teacher in "School of Pain" for the Gameboy. I attempted to blind the boy with a can of hairspray I had found in the toilet, but he just started to cry, which was even more annoying than the counting. He tried to tell his mother what had happened, but fortunately she was too busy reading Hello magazine to take any notice of him. She was fat and greasy and I wanted to destroy her almost as much as her hateful child.

I think all children should be kept in a dark, soundproofed box until they are old enough to play silently on a handheld computer console. And one day Porgblaa and his goblin army will come for their souls.

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