Dear Elle, 10th November 2003
I wonder if you can help me. I live in Manchester and I don't have any friends. I have tried to go out and make friends but all that happens is I end up sitting on my own in the corner of a pub getting drunk on cider. I try to talk to people and tell them that I don't have any friends, but they all tell me they are going to the toilet and then never come back. What should I do?
yours
Geoff Johnson
Dear Geoff,
I have never been to Manchester, but my daddy lived there once when he was working for the Gas Bored. I don't think that living in Manchester has anything to do with not having any friends, because my daddy has lots of friends. One of his friends is a funny man called Roger who never stops talking about how good he is at tennis. But I don't think Roger is very good at tennis at all, I think he tells fibs to try and make people like him. I don't think you should pretend to be good at tennis like Roger does, because he is silly.
Maybe the people you talk to do like you, but maybe they get trapped inside the toilet and can't get out again. Some toilets are very small and if the person you were talking to was quite fat they could get stuck quite easily. If you only talk to very thin people then this might help, because they are less likely to get stuck in the toilet.
There is a funny programme on the television that my mummy sometimes watches about people who don't have any friends and who go on dates with other people who don't have any friends. There is a group of ex-perts who watch them through a hole in the wall, and then laugh at them and say how rubbish they are. Maybe you could go on that programme. I don't know why it is called a date though because they don't eat dates at all. My mummy buys expensive dates from Marx and Spenser and I eat them all when she isn't looking. I like dates, they are yummy.
I hope you find some friends soon. I have lots of friends.
love Elle xxx